We all have that one childhood memory we wish our parents would forget.
For me, it was at a brewery restaurant when I was seven. I ordered a refill of my made in-house root beer... and got a little more than I bargained for.
I was suspicious when it came, there were less than half as many bubbles as there should have been, and the foam was lasting a lot longer than it should have, but I knew my family would start asking questions if I just kept eyeing it suspiciously, so I leaned up to the glass (I was a bit short for the combination of tall table and big glass) and took one tiny little sip.
Not root beer.
My mother, being a woman of boundless sympathy, took one look at my contorted little face and cracked up so badly she almost fell out of the booth.
My dad looked at her in confusion, saw me forcing myself to swallow instead of spitting beer all over the table, and joined her in laughter.
My sister, who was nine at the time, was confused, but also thought my face looked funny.
"That was not root beer!" exclaimed overdramatic little seven-year-old me, bursting into tears as she unnecessarily decided that the 'trauma' of this day would haunt her for years to come.
Still laughing heartily at my pain, my mother passed the glass to my father for inspection, my father took a sip and determined it to be porter.
By this point I had stopped crying, but I was still horribly upset- that stuff tasted dang awful. Even thirteen-year-old me would still insist that about half my taste buds died a gruesome death that day.
It was then that our server came over and was horrified to learn of her mistake, she was certain that she was about to lose her job and possibly go to jail for serving alcohol to a seven-year-old, but once she explained that some of the taps at the bar weren't working properly and the bartender hadn't labeled the pitchers my parents were more than willing to laugh it off as an amusing accident.
I only wish that they would let me live it down, something tells me it's going to come up again -like it does at most Christmas parties and family gatherings- when I turn 21 this fall. Still, I have come to terms with the story's place in the family lore (I wouldn't post it here otherwise), I'm sure there are worse childhood horror stories to have your parents recount to everyone they incorporate into their friend groups before you've even met them...
5/26/15
5/24/15
Homemade Applesauce
I made applesauce last week. This should surprise at least some people, seeing as I don't actually have a kitchen right now, or a budget that includes fresh apples and spices, or a mixer...
How did I do it, you ask? well, I'm glad you asked, let me tell you...
I have been planning this for a long time. That's probably why it didn't raise that many eyebrows when I showed up to lunch with fresh applesauce, everyone's getting used to my devious, scheming ways...
For the record, the apples came from the school dining hall. Yes, the one that's been closed for nearly two weeks. When they are open (basically, not during summer sessions) they have a policy that states that you can carry out one food item per meal, so I spent two weeks carrying out more than 20 apples and storing them in my dorm room. Normally my friends and I carry out bagels and save them at an off campus house called the Green Dragon for late night snacks, but with the semester winding down, we didn't really need a two-week stock of bagels from everyone who eats in the dining hall. And before you ask, I kept them in my fridge while I still had one and then did what I could to keep them cold in the four days between my having a fridge and my having an ice chest. Yeah, a couple of them couldn't actually be used, but I promise it was only about half as sketchy as it sounds, and I made sure I waited 24hrs to check for any adverse side effects before I let anyone besides me eat the stuff.
The sugar came from the coffee shop upstairs from the dining hall, I took a couple whenever I got a tea or something for a few weeks until I built up a pretty good stash. I wanted to make applesauce, but I wanted to do it as cheaply as possible, so this was the easy, logical solution.
The cinnamon was actually cinnamon tea. Tea is one of God's greatest gifts to mankind, and I happen to have quite a collection of different flavors. Any starving college students taking notes in a plan to replicate my unusual cooking technique should be advised that although a good chai would probably suffice, just straight-up black tea with cinnamon and nothing else is what I used and it worked great. Actually, given my plans to take up baking next semester, I have a slight suspicion that I may never actually use that box of teabags for making tea...
As for the part about not having a kitchen, well... That was kind of the point. I wanted to prove to the world that man is limited more by the extent of his imagination than his resources, so I made applesauce in my kitchenless dorm using only supplies I already had to hand with one exception- I bought a potato smasher at Walmart for 88c because it was on sale, and I'm actually going to be living in a house instead of a dorm next semester, and because it seemed more efficent than using my metal tea thermal to smash apples. If this is starting to seem absurdly elaborate to you, just wait until I get to the actual cooking part.
In lieu of an actual cutting board, I began by disinfecting my plastic clipboard and setting it upside-down next to the sink with the clippy bit hanging off the edge so it would lay flat. I actually have a decent small kitchen knife (courtesy of my parents back when I moved in in August), so I used that instead of one of my Swiss army knives to peel and cube the apples. I happen to have a large metal pitcher I picked up when a local antique shop had a massive closing sale back in January, but I suppose any sort of bucket would do for anyone still thinking of trying this at home. Once I had skinned and cubed all the apples (I know the number was somewhere in the low twenties, but I kind of wasn't actually counting), I divided them up between various vessels (three medium-sized mason jars (everyone should own at least three mason jars) and two rice bowls), leaving the pitcher clear to receive the cooked apples. I then added a little bit of water to each of the mason jars -about a third of the way up the jar, around the apple cubes- and secured a string to the lid as I sealed it.
Now, this is the part where this gets sketchy. I knew I would have a problem if I used the microwave, so I used the string to suspend the mason jars one at a time in my partially filled electric teakettle. I had to leave the lid off of the teakettle to do it, and I did notice a slight aroma of cooking motor once, but fortunately I was done cooking for a while at that point. I had to refill each of the mason jars one time the first time around, pouring each half-cooked jar of apple cubes back into the pitcher to season by adding about 15 little sugar packets and pulling open and dumping out two cinnamon teabags. As I added each jar and waited for the next one to have its few minutes in boiling water, I used the potato smasher to mush up and mix the apple cubes and seasoning. Not all of the cubes mashed the same (I don't think all of the apples were the same kind), but the edges of the potato smasher were good for breaking them down into smaller chunks. Once everything was thoroughly mixed, I once again poured it out into the jars and bowls (it took up slightly less room this time, because of the parts that did puree) and used the jars to boil it in the teakettle again. Once each jarfull had boiled a second time (and some of the larger chunks had been boiled a third time to make them easier to deal with), I poured it back into the pitcher and resumed my attacks with the potato smasher. By this point it was getting close to three in the morning and I was starting to get a little bit tired, so I made sure to alternate arms while mixing. When I was satisfied with the mix (and too tired to care about how big some of the chunks *still* were), I put the pitcher in my foam ice chest (which has 'totally legitimate fridge' written on the lid in sharpie) and went to bed.
I have now been living off the stuff (and ramen, and various and sundry other typical college kid foods) for four days. Although it's not quite as smooth as I normally like it, and I have to stir it before eating, it's really very good! And like I said, the only money I spent specifically on this project was the 88c I spent on the potato smasher which, like nearly all of my cooking gear, is a mulitfunctional unit that will undoubtedly get used a whole lot in the coming years. Fellow college students take note.
Am I crazy? Yeah, I kind of figured that was already established. But I have homemade tea-flavored applesauce, so I win.
How did I do it, you ask? well, I'm glad you asked, let me tell you...
I have been planning this for a long time. That's probably why it didn't raise that many eyebrows when I showed up to lunch with fresh applesauce, everyone's getting used to my devious, scheming ways...
For the record, the apples came from the school dining hall. Yes, the one that's been closed for nearly two weeks. When they are open (basically, not during summer sessions) they have a policy that states that you can carry out one food item per meal, so I spent two weeks carrying out more than 20 apples and storing them in my dorm room. Normally my friends and I carry out bagels and save them at an off campus house called the Green Dragon for late night snacks, but with the semester winding down, we didn't really need a two-week stock of bagels from everyone who eats in the dining hall. And before you ask, I kept them in my fridge while I still had one and then did what I could to keep them cold in the four days between my having a fridge and my having an ice chest. Yeah, a couple of them couldn't actually be used, but I promise it was only about half as sketchy as it sounds, and I made sure I waited 24hrs to check for any adverse side effects before I let anyone besides me eat the stuff.
The sugar came from the coffee shop upstairs from the dining hall, I took a couple whenever I got a tea or something for a few weeks until I built up a pretty good stash. I wanted to make applesauce, but I wanted to do it as cheaply as possible, so this was the easy, logical solution.
The cinnamon was actually cinnamon tea. Tea is one of God's greatest gifts to mankind, and I happen to have quite a collection of different flavors. Any starving college students taking notes in a plan to replicate my unusual cooking technique should be advised that although a good chai would probably suffice, just straight-up black tea with cinnamon and nothing else is what I used and it worked great. Actually, given my plans to take up baking next semester, I have a slight suspicion that I may never actually use that box of teabags for making tea...
As for the part about not having a kitchen, well... That was kind of the point. I wanted to prove to the world that man is limited more by the extent of his imagination than his resources, so I made applesauce in my kitchenless dorm using only supplies I already had to hand with one exception- I bought a potato smasher at Walmart for 88c because it was on sale, and I'm actually going to be living in a house instead of a dorm next semester, and because it seemed more efficent than using my metal tea thermal to smash apples. If this is starting to seem absurdly elaborate to you, just wait until I get to the actual cooking part.
In lieu of an actual cutting board, I began by disinfecting my plastic clipboard and setting it upside-down next to the sink with the clippy bit hanging off the edge so it would lay flat. I actually have a decent small kitchen knife (courtesy of my parents back when I moved in in August), so I used that instead of one of my Swiss army knives to peel and cube the apples. I happen to have a large metal pitcher I picked up when a local antique shop had a massive closing sale back in January, but I suppose any sort of bucket would do for anyone still thinking of trying this at home. Once I had skinned and cubed all the apples (I know the number was somewhere in the low twenties, but I kind of wasn't actually counting), I divided them up between various vessels (three medium-sized mason jars (everyone should own at least three mason jars) and two rice bowls), leaving the pitcher clear to receive the cooked apples. I then added a little bit of water to each of the mason jars -about a third of the way up the jar, around the apple cubes- and secured a string to the lid as I sealed it.
Now, this is the part where this gets sketchy. I knew I would have a problem if I used the microwave, so I used the string to suspend the mason jars one at a time in my partially filled electric teakettle. I had to leave the lid off of the teakettle to do it, and I did notice a slight aroma of cooking motor once, but fortunately I was done cooking for a while at that point. I had to refill each of the mason jars one time the first time around, pouring each half-cooked jar of apple cubes back into the pitcher to season by adding about 15 little sugar packets and pulling open and dumping out two cinnamon teabags. As I added each jar and waited for the next one to have its few minutes in boiling water, I used the potato smasher to mush up and mix the apple cubes and seasoning. Not all of the cubes mashed the same (I don't think all of the apples were the same kind), but the edges of the potato smasher were good for breaking them down into smaller chunks. Once everything was thoroughly mixed, I once again poured it out into the jars and bowls (it took up slightly less room this time, because of the parts that did puree) and used the jars to boil it in the teakettle again. Once each jarfull had boiled a second time (and some of the larger chunks had been boiled a third time to make them easier to deal with), I poured it back into the pitcher and resumed my attacks with the potato smasher. By this point it was getting close to three in the morning and I was starting to get a little bit tired, so I made sure to alternate arms while mixing. When I was satisfied with the mix (and too tired to care about how big some of the chunks *still* were), I put the pitcher in my foam ice chest (which has 'totally legitimate fridge' written on the lid in sharpie) and went to bed.
I have now been living off the stuff (and ramen, and various and sundry other typical college kid foods) for four days. Although it's not quite as smooth as I normally like it, and I have to stir it before eating, it's really very good! And like I said, the only money I spent specifically on this project was the 88c I spent on the potato smasher which, like nearly all of my cooking gear, is a mulitfunctional unit that will undoubtedly get used a whole lot in the coming years. Fellow college students take note.
Am I crazy? Yeah, I kind of figured that was already established. But I have homemade tea-flavored applesauce, so I win.
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