You know, I realized something recently.
I knew when I decided to go to a college in the Midwest that this was going to make my old knee problem worse. I knew that things like running and hills have been issues ever since the accident in JR high, and that I was putting myself at risk by moving away from the flat, temperature-consistent desert to the snowing one day, high of 75 the next day hill country. If I had just done the smart thing and finished out my two years at the local community college before going on to the local state university like most of the people I grew up with, instead of transferring out here, I wouldn't be in this position right now. I wouldn't have recent cartilage damage from eight year old scar tissue. I wouldn't have wound up in an examination room on Thursday listening to a doctor tell me that although PT can get me walking again, the flare-ups will never be as rare and mild as they used to be, and then write me a prescription for pain meds and say that I will probably need it at least every few months for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have the people at my church kindheartedly remarking on how sad it is that I'm having the kind of medical problems in my early 20s that most folks don't get until their late 40s. I wouldn't have spent the last two months on crutches, and my mom and I wouldn't have had to ask my older sister to give up a month and a half of her life in our hometown with all of her friends to drive across the country and take care of me so that I didn't have to drop out of my two summer classes. I wouldn't have had all of this pain, and the humiliating move into one of my housemate's rooms because that stupid creaky staircase is a safety hazard to me. I wouldn't have spent weeks alternating Tylenol and ibuprophen, wondering if maybe I would never get better and trying to convince my friends it wasn't killing me inside.
But it's worth it. 1000% worth it.
My school is amazing. My classes are fascinating and challenging, even my least favorite subjects from high school are interesting and my favorite subjects? I could talk for hours about my classes on history or literature, and I can't be trusted in the library anymore because I want to overdo it with texts in other languages written far beyond my limited comprehension levels. I have the most wonderful church, where I learn so much and feel like the people are every bit as much family as real family. They support me as I struggle with crutches and opening doors, they welcomed me with open arms from day 1 and have made me one of their own. My friends and classmates have filled my life with joy and laughter and brought me peace even in some of the darkest storms of my life. They taught me to dance through the night, and to sing whenever I feel like it because I won't be singing alone. They kept me out until 3 AM drinking hot tea and making terrible puns but still made sure that I got my homework done on time.
In the last two years, I have grown in ways that I never would have though possible. I have found a whole new world of wonder and joy beyond anything I had imagined. I have danced until my feet hurt and then danced some more and not regretted it. I have lost myself in books I never would have found otherwise. I have brewed more pots of tea than I can number, and shared them with people who inspire me to push myself like I never have before. It would have been worth all this pain just to spend a month here, and I've had two years. Sure, the next two years will be different - I will dance again, even if it hurts, but I may never have my old stamina. The flares won't ever go back to being so mild that even those closest to me don't notice 90% of the time, and I'm having to leave my wonderful quirky old house for a place closer to campus.
The wear on the cartilage in recent months from the eight year old scar tissue pushing my kneecap out of alignment and spinning it around is going to affect the rest of my life, but I would take this and more for the last two years alone. Yes, I'm in a ton of pain right now, I haven't not been in pain for two months now.
But it's worth it.
